my mind has failed me: memory loss, paranoia, anxiety, stress, confusion.

my heart is overworked: loving, palpitating, yearning, empathizing.

i must resort to my body... the last frontier of sanity. i never thought it would come to this having my mother tell me at a young age that i just wasn't "built to be athletic." these undulating curves all topsy turvy, informing of something more complicated. athleticism requires focus. i already know i lack that (thanks, mind). but, the body is all i have left. i force it to breath, force it to push, pull, strive, put one foot in front of the other with haste, twist, bend, kneel, bow, laugh.

the body is the only show of anything going on. everything else is hidden away within, miming small exasperated movements outward, toward the surface, like fish tipping to where the water finally levels flat to gasp their little ohs. my body can no longer be a mere reflection of surfacing fish. i must let it have a life of it's own. i set my body free. go forth and cascade, flow, wave, tremble, ripple, spring.

first, the incessant questioning, even after an answer is given. then, eating paint, followed by throwing milk across the laminate flooring. there was a refusal to take a nap, the demand to swing in circles until my head spun off and to read The Owl and the Pussycat, oh lovely pussy what a lovely pussy you are you are, until it became a chant lost to my cerebrum.

eventually, we took to the sun. plowed two straight sticks attached to my feet through the slush-like snow up the mountainside, the reflection nearly blinding. keep going. keep going. the air was edible like crisp fresh lettuce, moist and mouth melting. keep going. keep going. snow melt rained down on us from towering pines. keep going. keep going.

finally, silence. she's asleep, head bowed, neck crunched against her daddy's back. my time is brief, but briefly i will not combust.

Nothing more decadent than watching a storm pass: the sky split in half, smoky gray and eggshell blue, rain drops dissipating to a trickle, the last distant roar of thunder, birds dimming their wild flurry to silence, sun rays spilling over from clouds, surreal shadows on canyon walls. In a moment, one great wind sweeps the whole mess away and leaves a clean peace in its place.